by Kayla M. Cook
Hi, my name is Kayla (hi, Kayla), and I go to counseling.
Real talk: it is easier for me to type those words and put them on the internet than for me to talk about it with some of the dearest people in my life. Somehow we've shrouded needing help in shame, and I'm here to tell you, that shame is from the pit of hell.
I went to counseling for several months back in late 2017, early 2018. With my counselor's help and by God's grace, I felt like I got a good handle on my anxiety. So much so, that I quit going to counseling. I went and got some tools to help me, and then I moved on. And it was great.
This past fall, I gave part of my testimony to my church, which included how God has met me in the middle of my anxiety. The Lord can use anything He wants, and in His redeeming way, He has used my anxiety to pull me closer to His heart, to keep me seeking Him.
Just a few weeks ago, I sent an email to my counselor from several years ago. I told him who I was, that I had seen him a couple years ago and had been doing well, but that I needed some help. He remembered me and was able to put me on his schedule just a couple of days later.
I wish I could tell you that I reached out when I felt myself needing help, but that would be a lie. Y'all, I put off sending that email for weeks that turned into months (months!). I knew what the problem was, and I knew I needed help, and (here's the real kicker) I knew where to go to get the help. So why did I put it off for so long?
The short answer is shame.
The longer answer is that I was grappling with a whoooole lot of lies, things like, how could I possibly need help again? What kind of fraud tells people about how God has met them in their struggle, then has to go back to counseling again? I don't deserve peace; I don't deserve joy. People are suffering; how dare I even think about having peace and joy? That's so selfish; God is so disappointed in me, that I would be so selfish.
And so I sat, alone in my shame and my sadness.
The enemy loves to get us alone in the dark. He prowls like a lion, looking for someone to devour, which sounds terrifying, because it is if we didn't have Jesus. The enemy is cunning and crafty; he's a liar and an accuser who hates everything good (see previous paragraph). He will take your sadness and try to choke out your hope. If you sit in it long enough, he'll take the opportunity to sow seeds of bitterness. He will use shame to keep you in the dark.
Shame is not new. We can actually see in scripture where it comes into the world.
When Eve, then Adam, ate the fruit in the garden God told them not to eat, what happened? They made clothes for themselves, and they hid from God (see Genesis 3). There it is: the entrance of shame at the fall. Just like Adam and Eve hiding in the garden when the Lord God Himself was coming to walk with them, shame keeps us hiding from the only One who can set us free. I heard Jennie Allen say that, when we're isolated, the enemy "can tell us whatever the hell he wants": about ourselves, about our people, about our world, about our God. The father of lies is good at his craft. So we freeze. And so we sit. Alone. In the dark. With the enemy of our souls. Like captives.
But there is One who sets captives free.
"And he (Jesus) came to Nazareth, where he had been brought up. And as was his custom, he went to the synagogue on the Sabbath day, and he stood up to read the scroll and found the place where it is written,
'The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,
because he has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives
and recovering of sight to the blind,
to set at liberty those who are oppressed,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.'
And he rolled up the scroll and gave it back to the attendant and sat down. And the eyes of all in the synagogue were fixed on him. And he began to say to them, 'Today this Scripture has been fulfilled in your hearing.'" (Luke 4:16-21, ESV)
The fourth chapter of Luke begins with the temptation of Jesus, in the wilderness alone with the devil, after 40 days of fasting. Tired, hungry, listening as the enemy twisted scripture by quoting Psalm 91, responding perfectly even in His physical fatigue. Right after, He "returned in the power of the Spirit to Galilee" (v. 14), then Nazareth, as we see at the beginning of the passage here.
Please don't miss this: Jesus has been alone with the devil in the wilderness. He comes back to his hometown, finds Isaiah's prophecy, reads it for all to hear. And He says, "This is about Me. I'm it. I'm here to proclaim good news to the poor, to set captives free, to give sight to the blind."
Freedom for the captives. Dear one, you who have spent entirely too much time alone in the dark with the devil, that's you. And that's me. Captives. Who Jesus sets free.
Jesus breaks our chains and rips the bars off the gates of hell and sets us free...and half the time, we sit there, putting up wallpaper and curtains and getting a cute little plant for the makeshift desk we've set up in our cells. Jesus withheld absolutely nothing from you; when He hung on the cross to pay our penalty, that we deserve, His arms were stretched all the way open. For you. For me. By His wounds, we are healed.
Jesus rose Lazarus from the dead, but Lazarus had to step out of the grave. It's true for us, too. Jesus sets captives free, but we have to walk toward freedom. Walk toward the freedom!
Galatians 5:1 says, "For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery."
That phrase 'do not submit'? It tells me I have a choice. Jesus has set me free, so I have a choice to walk in the freedom He gives or submit to something else. Because of Jesus, I don't have to submit to the fear and the sadness or anything else. I submit to Jesus. Full stop.
Girl, go to counseling. Make the appointment. Keep it. Tell someone you're going (this is called accountability). You don't have to put it on the internet, you don't have to tell all of your friends, you don't even have to tell your dearests, but tell someone.
Don't sit another moment alone in the dark. We were not made to live and struggle in isolation. Get some help from an objective person who can help you sort through the lies and replace them with Truth, but won't just tell you what you want to hear.
Example: that lie that God is disappointed in me for wanting joy and peace? The truth is that joy and peace are two fruits of His Spirit that He produces in me as I follow Him. He's not only not disappointed in me wanting joy and peace, He wants me to walk in them, for my good and His glory.
Jesus died and rose again so you could be free: free from sin, free from death, free from shame, so you could be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so you can have the mind of Christ. He's made a way. Walk in it.
Jesus, we adore You that You are the One Who sets captives free. Things feel heavy and we feel weighed down, but you give freedom. You called Lazarus out of the grave, and You call us into Your freedom. Forgive us our pride that keeps us wanting to do things on our own. Give us the courage and grace to walk in the freedom You give, even and especially when that means letting others in. We love You, Jesus. Lord, may it be so.
